Cope With All Your Might
"Coping" is self-encouragement, not self-delusion
Over the last year or two, “cope” has become a bad word. “You don’t have to go to Harvard to get a good job”? Cope. “So what if you don’t become a doctor”? Cope. “Women will like you more when you’re older and more successful”? Cope. If you heavily cope, detractors may even accuse you of being addicted to the novel substance of “copium”:
copium (noun): a substance said to have been ingested by those who remain unduly optimistic in the face of defeat or disappointment
“Cope” comes with a built-in equivocation. It carries a clear accusation of self-delusion — the pathetic refusal to admit your own failings and failures. Yet you can also deploy it when the so-called “cope” is plainly literally true. Responding to rejection with “There are plenty of fish in the sea” is classic cope — and hard fact.
I’m all for squarely facing ugly truths. But the War on Cope goes well beyond this. Its nihilistic goal really is to stigmatize self-encouragement.
How is it nihilistic? Here’s how: Disappointment is a major feature of human life, especially if you’re trying to do anything worthwhile. The impulsive reaction to disappointment is to abjectly give up. To mournfully mutter, “What’s the use of trying? What’s the use of anything?” Coping — reframing your plight in a more constructive light — is the foresighted antidote to this impulsive reaction.
Let’s get bleak. The harsh reality is that we’re all going to die one day. This fact is, on reflection, extremely disappointing. Much more disappointing than getting rejected by Harvard, failing to get into med school, or getting turned down for a date. You could spend the rest of your life bemoaning your own mortality. What you should do, however, is cope:
“I won’t live forever, but I’m going to make ever moment count.”
“Life is too precious to waste time feeling sad about things I can’t change.”
“My children will live on after me, and their children after them.”
and even:
“If the pain gets too bad as death nears, I can always kill myself.”
None of these statements negates the fact that dying is bad. But they’re still wise and helpful. And the same goes for the lesser horrors that you’re likely to face. Didn’t get the job you really wanted? You should cope:
“There will be other chances to get a job as good or better.”
“There are plenty of other occupations I might enjoy.”
“At least I’m young and healthy.”
and even:
“I’m lucky just to live in a First World country.”
You know who badly needs enhanced coping skills? Incels. The Incel Wiki has a whole article on the evils of cope. Reading it is like reading a letter from a starving man refusing food. "If you just work on your personality and keep a positive attitude, you will find a nice girl eventually” is true enough. It was never intended as a 100% guarantee.
Instead of stigmatizing coping, we should do the opposite. Even the highest-status humans suffer many bitter disappointments. Should they just give up on life? No? Then what should you?
Don’t be afraid to cope.
Don’t let anyone make you ashamed to cope.
Cope honestly, yes, but cope freely.
Cope with all your might!
I thought "cope" meant the total opposite of your meaning.
Cope = That is you make excuses for your failures in order to avoid making difficult choices to change the outcome.
From your link:
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John: "I asked Kelly out, but she rejected me. But I ain't mad, she was an ugly bitch anyway. It's her loss!"
Peter: "Cope. You obviously wanted to date her. Otherwise you wouldn't have asked her out."
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In this scenario John should recognize that either he wasn't good enough to have his offer accepted or he is asking out the wrong people. In either case the recognition of this fact should cause a change of behavior (either self improvement or a change in who John propositions) that would be more likely to lead to success.
Coping is John pretending his rejection contains within it no information about his situation worth reflecting on, despite the obvious fact that it does.
I will offer one other example.
Throughout the summer there was a lot of "copium" about the Ukranian counter offensive. Go back and read the news and every week you would be told that "oh yeah it's really super secret special working you just can't see it." In reality it seems everyone knew it wouldn't work from before it even started, but they "copiumed" themselves into forcing a bunch of shanghaied conscripts to Banzai charge themselves into minefields.
I'm sure Russian State TV has lots of copium on it, this isn't about taking a side in the conflict about who has more copium. I'm just more exposed to the kind I'm subjected too.
A similar kind of copium happened throughout WWI, generals copiumed themselves about how the next idiotic offensive wasn't going to fail like the last.
The obvious thing people should have done is accepted the facts as they are and then take rational steps to lead to better outcomes.
Can someone please introduce me to some incels?! I've met so many young women abroad who are desperate to find a man to marry in the US. If the goal is marriage and settling down no man in the US should have a hard time finding a partner.