Cope With All Your Might

"Coping" is self-encouragement, not self-delusion

Over the last year or two, “cope” has become a bad word. “You don’t have to go to Harvard to get a good job”? Cope. “So what if you don’t become a doctor”? Cope. “Women will like you more when you’re older and more successful”? Cope. If you heavily cope, detractors may even accuse you of being addicted to the novel substance of “copium”:

copium (noun): a substance said to have been ingested by those who remain unduly optimistic in the face of defeat or disappointment

“Cope” comes with a built-in equivocation. It carries a clear accusation of self-delusion — the pathetic refusal to admit your own failings and failures. Yet you can also deploy it when the so-called “cope” is plainly literally true. Responding to rejection with “There are plenty of fish in the sea” is classic cope — and hard fact.

I’m all for squarely facing ugly truths. But the War on Cope goes well beyond this. Its nihilistic goal really is to stigmatize self-encouragement.

How is it nihilistic? Here’s how: Disappointment is a major feature of human life, especially if you’re trying to do anything worthwhile. The impulsive reaction to disappointment is to abjectly give up. To mournfully mutter, “What’s the use of trying? What’s the use of anything?” Coping — reframing your plight in a more constructive light — is the foresighted antidote to this impulsive reaction.

Let’s get bleak. The harsh reality is that we’re all going to die one day. This fact is, on reflection, extremely disappointing. Much more disappointing than getting rejected by Harvard, failing to get into med school, or getting turned down for a date. You could spend the rest of your life bemoaning your own mortality. What you should do, however, is cope:

“I won’t live forever, but I’m going to make ever moment count.”

“Life is too precious to waste time feeling sad about things I can’t change.”

“My children will live on after me, and their children after them.”

and even:

“If the pain gets too bad as death nears, I can always kill myself.”

“My name is Jaguar Paw. I am a hunter. This is my forest. And my sons will hunt it with their sons after I am gone.”

None of these statements negates the fact that dying is bad. But they’re still wise and helpful. And the same goes for the lesser horrors that you’re likely to face. Didn’t get the job you really wanted? You should cope:

“There will be other chances to get a job as good or better.”

“There are plenty of other occupations I might enjoy.”

“At least I’m young and healthy.”

and even:

“I’m lucky just to live in a First World country.”

You know who badly needs enhanced coping skills? Incels. The Incel Wiki has a whole article on the evils of cope. Reading it is like reading a letter from a starving man refusing food. "If you just work on your personality and keep a positive attitude, you will find a nice girl eventually” is true enough. It was never intended as a 100% guarantee.

Instead of stigmatizing coping, we should do the opposite. Even the highest-status humans suffer many bitter disappointments. Should they just give up on life? No? Then what should you?

Don’t be afraid to cope.

Don’t let anyone make you ashamed to cope.

Cope honestly, yes, but cope freely.

Cope with all your might!