I Want to Hold Your Hand

Dating is plagued by poor information. How does this person really feel about me? Are we really compatible? Do we want the same things? The information is so poor that people often wonder, “Is this even a date?!” and “Was that a date?!” Incredibly, these are usually not rhetorical questions. People are so confused about dating that they often don’t even know when they’re partaking.

On the surface, this information shortage is bizarre. If you don’t know if you’re on a date, why don’t you simply ask? Part of the problem is probably irrational social anxiety, but that’s far from the whole story. Often, people who date refrain from trying to acquire more information because they fear that asking the wrong questions will make the underlying reality worse. You can easily make me feel bad about you by asking, “How do you really feel about me?”

No wonder, then, that so many people (usually guys) get stuck in the proverbial “Friend Zone.” Forthrightly asking, “Am I forever stuck in the Friend Zone?” causally increases your probability of being forever stuck in the Friend Zone. What a pathetic question to ask. Better to wonder if you’re stuck in the Friend Zone than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

In economic terms, the key problem is that there is a dire shortage of credible signals people can send about their feelings that don’t hurt the way that people feel about each other. This is a perennial problem, but given modern hypersensitivity, the shortage is now worse than ever. Classic moves like, “I’ll put my arm around her in the middle of the movie and see what happens” now seem foolhardy or creepy. How can long-suffering singles find love in this information desert?

I am convinced that I have a practical remedy. Not a solution, for there are no solutions here, but a great tactic nonetheless. I’m not in a position to try it myself, but I offer it to my single readers in the hope that they will take advantage of it. I offer a signal that is highly informative, yet even in today’s dating environment, is almost as safe as dying alone.

The signal: Always ask to hold hands on a first date.

How it works: Holding hands is the mildest, lowest-commitment form of romantic behavior. As long as you wait for an opportune time to ask, almost no one will condemn you for the request. If someone did condemn you, even their friends would minimize the incident: “He just asked to hold hands, right?”

At the same time, the act of hand-holding is almost free of ambiguity. At least in the U.S., mere friends virtually never hold hands. If you see two adults holding hands, they are ipso facto romantically connected.

The upshot: If a person accepts your offer to hold hands, this dramatically raises the odds that (a) you are currently on a date, and (b) are out of the Friend Zone already. Contrarily, if a person declines to hold your hand, however politely, this dramatically increases the odds that (a) you are not currently on a date, and (b) are permanently stuck in the Friend Zone. If they don’t even want to hold your hand, it was never meant to be.

Why do I advise doing this on the first date? To swiftly resolve painful uncertainty. If the answer is yes, you immediately know that things are going well and that the pairing has promise. If the answer is no, you immediately know that the situation is a dead end. Painful, but it’s like ripping off a Band-Aid. Better to get it over with and move on with your life.

Isn’t it possible that the other person really likes you but just “doesn’t feel ready” to hold hands? Yes, but the odds are very low. If you don’t want to hold hands with someone, you just don’t feel that way about them - and probably never will. Shakespeare overstated when he wrote, “Whoever loved, that loved not at first sight?”* But tone it down to, “Whoever loved, that was repulsed by the idea of holding hands on a first date?” and he’s right.

The other advantage of asking to hold hands on the first date is that you acquire information about your own feelings. Especially when you’re young, you lack self-knowledge. If you fail to work up the courage to make this small request, you have learned something about yourself: The other person does not inspire you. You should probably find someone else who does.

*Yes, I know Shakespeare is only quoting Marlowe.