*Les Misérables*: The Signaling Parody

And now for something completely different: The Case Against Education meets Schoenberg and Boubil! Listen here for the original tune:

[STUDENTS]
Show up, sit down,
You'll never find a job.
Show up, sit down,
You're just stupid slob.

[STUDENT ONE]
The work is dull,
I’m bored as hell you know.

[PRISONER]
Show up, sit down,
There's plenty years to go.

[STUDENT TWO]
I've done no wrong!
Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!

[PRISONERS]
Show up, sit down,
Sweet Jesus doesn't care.

[STUDENT THREE]
I’ll gra-duate,
I know I’ll get a job!

[PRISONERS]
Show up, sit down,
You’re just a lazy slob!

[STUDENT FOUR]
When I get free ya won't see me
Reading books!

[STUDENTS]
Show up, sit down,
Don't look 'em in the eye.

[STUDENT FIVE]
How long, oh Lord,
Before you let me die?

[STUDENTS]
Show up, sit down,
You'll always be a slave.
Show up, sit down,
This chair will be your grave.

[JAVERT]
Now bring me student 24601.
Your school is up
And your career's begun.
You know what that means.

[VALJEAN]
Yes, it means I'm rich.

[JAVERT]
No!
It means you get
Your sheepskin effect.
You’ve earned a B.A.

[VALJEAN]
I studied español.

[JAVERT]
You learned business.

[VALJEAN]
I did group projects!
My partner’s grandma was close to death
And we were failing.

[JAVERT]
You will fail again
Unless you learn the meaning of “conform.”

[VALJEAN]
I know the meaning of those 17 years,
A slave of the school.

[JAVERT]
Nine years of day care,
The rest because you want a job.
Yes, 24601.

[VALJEAN]
My name is Jean Valjean.

[JAVERT]
And I am Javert.
Do not forget my name!
Do not forget me,
24601.

[STUDENTS]
Show up, sit down,
You'll never find a job.
Show up, sit down,
You're just stupid slob.

[VALJEAN]
A career is mine. The market’s hot.
I’ll earn my pay. I’ll pay my way.
The market clears,
Employers wake.
Drink some coffee. How strong the taste.
Never forget the years, the waste.
Nor forgive them
For what they've done.
They are the guilty - everyone.
The work begins...
And now let’s see
What this B.A.
Will do for me!

[He finds an entry-level office job.]

[BOSS]
Review these forms.
They’re customer complaints.
They’re all in English.
Who speaks Spanish anyway?

[VALJEAN]
You have given me twice
What the other men get!
That handful of tin
Wouldn't buy their sweat!

[BOSS]
They’ve no B.A.
It's there for people to see.
Why should they get the same
As college grads like me?

[VALJEAN]
Not every door is closed to me.
Another job. Another key. Another salary.
But when I want to use my mind,
They check my papers,
And they find the mark of Cain.
In their eyes I see their sneer,
”MBAs only wanted here.”

[He applies for an better job.]

[MANAGER]
My staff is full,
And I've no position to spare.
After three more years in school,
You’ll get a plush office chair.

[VALJEAN]
Let me work for free,
I can sleep at my mom’s.
If I do really well,
You’ll give me the job!

[MANAGER]
You’ll leave my firm,
Or feel the weight of my rod.
There’s an H.R. office here
Thanks be to God.

[They throw him out of the office.]

[VALJEAN]
Now I know how a B.A. feels,
Credentialism at your heels.
It’s signaling!
Another piece of paper in my hand
Will make me blessed throughout the land.
It’s signaling!
Like a kid,
I’m back to school,
To prove I’m no lazy fool.

P.S. If this is popular enough, I’ll continue the parody with the next song.