Women Who Want Lots of Kids, and Where to Find Them
Bet On It reader Matt Kuras sent me this request for advice on finding a wife who wants a lot of kids. My main responses to him:
I’ve never used online dating, but my understanding is that there are many platforms catering to a wide range of romantic goals. A friend of mine used The League to find an excellent match, so I would start by shopping around to find platforms that focus on marriage and kids.
I wouldn't frame it as "I want 5 kids," which sounds weird. Much better to say "at least 3" which indicates some flexibility.
Living in a blue city is almost surely a big part of the problem, but moving to Utah won’t help unless you’re Mormon.
Since Matt speaks good Spanish and can telework, searching in Latin America is a good idea despite the obvious risk of being used for immigration purposes. Profiling elite Latin American women who already have a good life at home is a prudent countermeasure.
What, dear readers, would you say?
Dear Bryan,
Big fan here. I was wondering if you could give a bit more advice on finding a wife.
I read a ton of your work. I largely agree with your advice on finding a woman. I’ve been testing your advice to deprioritize looks, and that one can become attracted to someone. Still skeptical but I agree I’d be better served to do so. But I write you while reading Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids because you’ve convinced me to want to have 4-5 children. I'm 29 and single though, so I need to get moving!
My main question is how do I find a woman who wants 4-5 kids? I don't know if you're aware, but girls in their 20's today hardly want kids let alone 4 or 5, and they look at me like I'm schizophrenic when I say I want 5 kids. I'm afraid I'll have to greatly deprioritize nearly everything else I care about in regards to a partner.
I agree with you that shared interests are overrated. I’m into programming, guitar, meditation, and soccer among other things, but I could care less if my partner wasn’t. The non-negotiable values I prioritize like being mindful, social, and generous are rare, but I occasionally do meet women who share them. However it feels like once every 6 months I connect with a woman who checks enough of those boxes, until again, you add large family plans into the equation.
I agree with your advice on what personality traits to look for. I’m high in openness, low in neuroticism, high in extraversion, fairly low in conscientiousness, but I go through great lengths to mitigate that. I would love to meet someone who matches that.
And to be clear it’s not that I can’t find a date. I’ve gone out with dozens of women since I moved to Chicago three years ago. Dating apps make it easy to find a date, but maybe the economically literate, open-minded libertarian women aren’t on there? Any suggestions? I attend the Chicago Rationality meetups, but like your readership (I assume), women make up a small minority.
Maybe it's just hard because I live in a blue city like Chicago? Where else should I go? The South? Utah? I hear they like kids. I'm a software developer and could theoretically work from anywhere, so where should I go? Maybe abroad? I speak good Spanish. Any advice is welcome.
Thanks for all you do. On the off chance you know anyone who might be interested, feel free to share my email (mattkuras@gmail.com) or instagram (@mattkuras).
Courage,
Matt
Something that Matt didn't mention, which Bryan alluded to with the Mormon comment:
What is Matt's faith? If he is Christian, then seeking a wife through the church is a great option, and you're more likely to find a woman there who is open to a large family. The same is likely true in other religious communities, though I don't claim to know as much about them (I am Christian myself).
If Matt is secular and looking for a secular wife, that could be tough. My understanding (please correct if wrong) is that secular women who want large families are pretty rare.
Edit: But maybe Mrs. Caplan would have a good idea of where to find them?
So my wife and I originally wanted more children, but health conditions have limited us to 1.
It's better to have a wife you love and 1-2 kids then run the very real risk of having no wife and no kids or a wife you don't really like and 5 kids.
Also, if you have had dozens of dates in 3 years it seems you have not had a long term relationship, which is much different than dating.
I would reset my expectations. 1. Find a woman you love who wants kids. 2. Maintain a long term relationship of 2 years to see if marriage is viable.
This is likely more difficult than you expect. You might get close and fail once or twice.
Once you have obtained this, I think you will find your life will be full of meaning and happiness regardless of the exact number of kids you two decide to have.